There's Been a Murder!

So, this…

…is on the floor of the four-year-old room at the day care where I work. The teachers put it there for some kind of game the kids play but every time I see it I can’t help but think that a giant teddy bear named Pop was recently murdered.

Then I start to think about the kinds of sick games these teachers are allowing the kids to play:

- Pin the tail on the teddy bear…with a knife

- Hop on Pop…until he bleeds internally

- Law and Order: Stuffed Victims Unit

Honestly, I want to see a kid dressed up in their Halloween Sherlock Holmes costume surveying the scene with a pipe in his mouth that blows bubbles.

“It’s pre-kindergarten, my dear Watson.”

-Age

Hot Nuts, Anyone?

Has anyone ever given you really good advice? I mean REALLY good? Like, equivalent to when you were five and your mom told you not to lift your dress up over your head anymore? Good advice is wonderful, the value immeasurable, and I hope to be a giver of good advice myself one day. Maybe I’ll start an online advice column. Hmmm…Let’s practice.


I’ll call it Ten Nutty Things You Probably Shouldn't Do and base it off of my, I mean, my friend’s recent life lessons:

1) When your neighbors put their trash cans on the curb, don’t drive too close, you could lose a mirror.

2) Don’t use a shop-vac to clean out the ashes from your fireplace. The filter will get clogged. Also, don’t try to put it on the reverse setting, it won’t unclog the filter and a giant cloud of ashy smoke will blow up in your face and quickly fill your living room.

3) When toilet papering someone’s house, whether for revenge or fun, make sure the silhouette you see in the window is actually another person and not your own reflection before you start screaming and running back to the car.

4) If you’ve been sitting cross-legged on the floor for an extended period of time and then your phone rings in the other room, don’t just get up and start running for it. Your legs will be asleep and you will fall flat on your face.

5) Don’t leave a Coke Zero in the freezer over night because in the morning it will no longer be in the can…but it will still be in your freezer. And licking Coke Zero slushy off the side of your freezer might freak your roommates out a little.

6) When you set the alarm at your work and you know you only have one minute to get out of the building and lock the door before the really loud alarm starts ringing and alerting the police and firestations and you don't know the code to turn it off and your bosses are all at a meeting and their phones are on silent and then you realize you forgot the third book in the Twilight Saga on your desk and you’ve only got two chapters left, do not run back inside to get it. You do not have time. And firefighters aren’t nearly as hot when it’s a false alarm and they’re all snippy.

7) Don’t say you’ll go to a WWF match with a girl you think might be a lesbian if you aren’t one, even if you were just trying to be nice and have a difficult time saying no to people. Just. Say. No.

8) Don’t tell someone you’ve just met that you’ve heard them described as eccentric. Eccentric people don’t like that.

9) Don’t say, “When I have kids I hope I have two little boys. Girls just seem like such a nightmare,” to your co-worker that has two little girls, one of which she is holding.

10) When making landscapes out of clay for art class, don’t announce to everyone, “Hey, look how far my bush sticks out.” They will laugh at you and never, ever, let you forget you said it.

-Age

Remember to Chew Like You Have a Secret

So, what’s with Amanda Bynes?

You know, the Amanda that started off as a quirky little girl on All That? The Amanda who then went on to star on the surprisingly hilarious show What I Like About You? The Amanda who has brought tears of laughter to many through her not-as-romantic-so-much-as-comedies? I miss that Amanda. She was so great.

Now, she looks like this:

And poses for this:

WHAT?!?!

When did this happen? Why did this happen?

Does she really think she has to sexify herself to morph into some grown-up actress stereotype? We have way too many of those as it is. Case in point:

She was a breath of fresh air. She was sweet and cute and funny with a capital BWAHAHAHAHAAA! You know?

Remember She’s the Man? With the hot guy with all his hotness right up in this area:

(I know, I’m a total hypocrite)

Now, that was a great movie. I can watch it over and over again. And you know what? She is comic genius. I’m not afraid to say it. Genius. I am a huge fan of Steve Martin and Brian Regan and my all time favorite comedian/awesome person is Bill Murray so I would never use the term comic genius lightly but that’s exactly what this girl is, brilliance wrapped up in a slightly gangly little bow.

We need Amanda Bynes back. In fact, we need more Amanda Bynes’s. Bynes’? Byners? Whatever. We need the opportunity to laugh our aces off with someone who is not afraid to make funny faces, act silly, and generally make a fool out of herself…and look hot doing it!

Yes, Amanda, you are a beautiful girl and don’t you forget it. You do not need to tan, lift, pluck, enhance, dye, airbrush, take-off, put-on, squeeze in, or stick out for anyone. Just stay the funny girl you’ve always been and we’ll be here for ya, ready and more than willing to laugh.

That’s better.

-Age

Tell Me You Love Me

So, when I started this blog I wrote with the expectation that no one would ever read it. I was interested in writing as a career and my friends suggested I started a blog to get my writing out there. I didn’t even know what a blog was.

I was reading Freshness Factor Five Thousand for years without even realizing it was a blog.

When I started this blog, I wrote article-like posts about positive and influential people I knew because I wanted to write human interest pieces for newspapers, magazines, or websites as a profession. The posts were heartfelt and, well, boring. But I didn’t care. My writing was out there and I genuinely enjoyed it.

Then the comments came.

It was only a few at first. I would sneak in a funny post about my life just for fun and people would leave comments. I instantly fell in love with this. Not only did it prove that some people, very few, were actually reading this, but they had opinions about it!

That may have been my downfall.

Downfall is the wrong word. I actually love writing fun topics about life and adventure. I don’t plan to stop. However, I’m no longer unaffected by feedback. I need it.

But my followers list is still pretty low and I don’t get a ton of comments. Though, I’d argue that my comments are better than anyone else’s. Yup.

So, it was really just perfect timing when I read this post from one of my favorite bloggers, Hipstercrite:

Twelve Ways to Boost Your Blog Traffic (Without Having to Get Naked)

Ironically, #12 was all about getting naked. Posting a picture of your butt which is something she does often which, as readers, we appreciate. A fun butt picture is sometimes exactly what I need after a long day.

All jokes aside, I think her steps are really helpful and I plan on implementing many of them. But before I do…

Here’s a picture of my butt:

Your welcome.

Post-posting edit: So, seriously, that is not my butt. I googled "booty shorts" and this was the first picture. If you were to google booty shorts right now (which you might want to wait to do until you get home from work and when your girlfriend/wife is not around) you could get over a million search results and not a one of those pictures would be of me. Promise. Though this lady has a lovely butt and should in no way be ashamed to come up first on google images.

-Age

Something Corn and I Have in Common

I was reading through an old notebook tonight and found this (please enjoy my awkwardness, someone should):

I was talking to someone recently that I hadn't known for very long when I said, "I'll just have to keep this up for the rest of our lives." Realizing that this sounded creepy, I decided to do my usual awkward thing where I keep talking to try and fix it but only succeed in making it far worse. The rest of my ramblings went as follows...

-That sounded creepy. As if we're going to get married or I'm stalking you or something.

- I don't do that.

- I mean, I stalk, of course. I'm just not ready for a lifelong committment as far as stocking is concerned.

- No offense, I mean, maybe someday, if I follow the right person home, it'll really be forever.

- We can 'go pick out curtains' together as they say.

- One's that look good from the inside and the outside.

-Age

Let's Get Serious

So, St. Patrick's Day is coming up which, naturally, brought to mind my heritage. It's all a bit muddy and my parents change their story every time I talk to them and I'm too lazy and generally uninterested to FamilyTree.com myself but I know it looks something like this:

1/4 English
1/4 Irish
1/4 German
1/4 Polish
Little bit of Sioux Native American tossed in there somewhere

Basically, I'm American.

Sad to say, I'm very unfamiliar with my heritage and the majority of these cultures.

Though, I think America has created it's own culture of containing and accepting many cultures. We are so unique in our ability to participate in a variety of cultural activities that may or may not have something to do with our own.

I know this is true thoughout the country but particularly here in Southern Cali there is a plethora of opportunities to get to know the world and our neighbors.

In Palms Springs there are several Native American museums educating all interested on the various tribes that lived, and still live, in the area. There are also art and craft workshops so we can physically understand the culture and even take it home with us.

In San Diego, one of my favorite areas is Little Italy. Generations of Italian immigransts have moved to this beautiful area offering their food, arts, language, religion, and family-oriented culture to all. And, yes, they actually speak Italian which is so beautiful! And the men aren't bad to look at either.

In LA, there's Little China, a very popular tourist destination as the slightly commercialized culture is available in shops and sidewalk carts all along this colorful downtown nook. The cuisine is generally authentic and while not necessarily delicious to all, definetely interesting.

LA is really just full of amazing cultural opportunities from all over the world.

One of the things LA offers that encourages cultural pursuits is The Museum of Tolerance. In this unique place, we learn a little of Jewish culture but, mainly, we learn the importance of promoting tolerance, acceptance, and love.

By showcasing what hate looks like and what it is capable of, this museum paints a vivid and often graphic picture of what we should avoid at all costs - the Museum of Tolerance also shows that a lack of interest or knowledge in other people and culutures can breed ignorance. And ignorance can make almost anyone fall prey to charming and dynamic words, no matter how evil.

I have adopted the American idea of, not the melting pot, but the tossed salad. While fondu's can be fun, they're messy. We don't want to all melt together in sameness and complete assimilation. It's better to keep our identities, cultures, and beliefs while all living together in peace and compassion.

Knowledge and love make a beautiful pair.

For more articulated and well thought out ideas then my own ramblings, visit, and hopefully join, Charter for Compassion.

Tell me about your culture and what cultural opportunities are in your neck of the woods.

-Age

I Wish I Knew the Bulgarian National Anthem, Come to Think of It, I Wish I Knew Bulgarian

So, this is going to be a short post. I've barely had time to register the news and excitement but I finally know which country the Peace Corps is sending me to, what I'll be doing, and when I'm leaving!!!

Bulgaria, Primary (Elementary) English Training, May 10th

When I opened the package in front of a bunch of friends they started pounding the table and shouting Bulgaria! Bulgaria! They wanted to lift me up on my chair and dance me around the room because they thought it was probably something they do there...I said no thanks. The last thing I need is a concussion when they A) drop me or B) bang my head on the ceiling. But I very much appreciated the enthusiasm.

I haven't yet told my parents who you know aren't as excited about this adventure as I'd hoped but I will tomorrow and I have no doubt they will be wonderfully supportive.

My next step is to completely overwhelm myself with as much information as possible so that I can forget it all the second I step off the plane in a country that cannot be prepared for by google. I am so excited. So nervous. So unsure and yet absolutely sure all at the same time!

I don't know the future of this blog but I hope, no, pray that I will continue to share my experiences here with you.

PEACE!

-Age