I haven't been sleeping well lately. For weeks actually. Either tossing and turning all night, waking up constantly or feeling like I'm only half asleep, never achieving the REM I so desperately need. Thinking about how tired I am and yet how sleep seems so impossible makes me want to cry.
I've always had periods where I struggle with sleep. I fear insomnia - a true, diagnosed, medicated sleeping disorder - on-setting later in my life the way some teenagers must secretly fear the onset of schizophrenia in their 20s, combined with the unease that night is approaching and I may be unsuccessful at completely resting, drives me a little crazy. I imagine it's one of those things that can only be understood if the person doing the understanding has gone through it themselves. Just like I've had the feelings (or lack of feelings) involved with depression described to me but I couldn't fully grasp them because I've never felt depressed myself.
I'm currently on my 4th cup of coffee today. It's 2:30 in the afternoon. I know, I know, that can't be helping but I've always been a caffeine junky. Though lately I've been chastising myself to lay off. I've been drinking more caffeine recently cuz I'm on a Summer Is Coming diet and I can't completely deny myself cravings (cuz I've been me long enough to know I can't fool myself into thinking I can simply forgo all bad things - psshhh, yeah right) so I just replace all cravings - sweets, chocolate, red meat, dooners - with just one craving: coffee.
Healthy, huh?
I think my sleep issues have more to do with some underlying restlessness and apprehension. Things are ending and new things are beginning and I'm just sitting here waiting for the inevitable chaos of transition.
I've been chewing on the inside of my lips a lot too. A classic nervous habit that I've always had but now I'm making myself bleed. Gross. But I can't stop!
I've always prided myself on being a Type-B person, having this chill, relaxed personality but when things require a real reaction like venting or planning or making to-do lists or screaming - things I associate with Type-A people - I instead chew my lip unconsciously and walk to school tired every morning with zombie-like dark circles under my eyes (more heavily make-upped than usual to try and disguise them).
I think writing this probably helps a little.
I've always had periods where I struggle with sleep. I fear insomnia - a true, diagnosed, medicated sleeping disorder - on-setting later in my life the way some teenagers must secretly fear the onset of schizophrenia in their 20s, combined with the unease that night is approaching and I may be unsuccessful at completely resting, drives me a little crazy. I imagine it's one of those things that can only be understood if the person doing the understanding has gone through it themselves. Just like I've had the feelings (or lack of feelings) involved with depression described to me but I couldn't fully grasp them because I've never felt depressed myself.
I'm currently on my 4th cup of coffee today. It's 2:30 in the afternoon. I know, I know, that can't be helping but I've always been a caffeine junky. Though lately I've been chastising myself to lay off. I've been drinking more caffeine recently cuz I'm on a Summer Is Coming diet and I can't completely deny myself cravings (cuz I've been me long enough to know I can't fool myself into thinking I can simply forgo all bad things - psshhh, yeah right) so I just replace all cravings - sweets, chocolate, red meat, dooners - with just one craving: coffee.
Healthy, huh?
I think my sleep issues have more to do with some underlying restlessness and apprehension. Things are ending and new things are beginning and I'm just sitting here waiting for the inevitable chaos of transition.
I've been chewing on the inside of my lips a lot too. A classic nervous habit that I've always had but now I'm making myself bleed. Gross. But I can't stop!
I've always prided myself on being a Type-B person, having this chill, relaxed personality but when things require a real reaction like venting or planning or making to-do lists or screaming - things I associate with Type-A people - I instead chew my lip unconsciously and walk to school tired every morning with zombie-like dark circles under my eyes (more heavily make-upped than usual to try and disguise them).
I think writing this probably helps a little.
I'm Apparently Freaking Out!
There.
That outta tie me over until I can absent my village life with a distracting trip to the beach.
I'm going to the Black Sea soon to swim, play beach volleyball, tan, and ride on a pirate ship. And sleep.
-Age
