I've been feeling low lately. Not at all myself. I blame the weather and almost believe it but I think it's just a case of Peace Corps Blues. I'm homesick and I'm weighed down with the thoughts of what these next four months mean.
Also, I've changed.
I reached a lot of my limits. The limits of my patience, my compassion, my kindness. The things about me that I once thought limitless have reached their frayed ends. It's as if there are two sides of me, the old me and the new me, fighting for who gets what when this is all over. The old me is negotiating how much it's willing to allow as permanent change and the new me is negotiating which changes it wants to keep and which it wants to leave here forever.
Here's what I'm afraid of:
- I've grown lazy.
- Will I be able to go right back to being busy? Will I be able to handle a 10-12 hour work day without once feeling overwhelmed or overworked, as I once did? Will I be able to work a normal, 8-hour work day and fill-in the rest of the time with practical and interesting tasks? Or has learning to relax and take things slower without the guilt (though, clearly, there's still guilt) something I want to keep?
- I've lost a sense of unconditional kindness and compassion.
- I've always had this strong idea of mankind as a whole. I help you if you need it and you help me when I need it. We give and take and try and perfect the harmony of a connected humanity. But, now, there are people I refuse to look at when I'm walking down the street, eyes I can't meet going down the halls of my own school, people I'd rather not associate with because of bad past experiences. These people aren't necessarily in need...but...is it still kindness when it's easy? If it's hard for me to lift my head and smile at a man I know will more than likely make me feel uncomfortable, isn't that all the more reason to do it because that may be the only smile he gets all day? When a student who makes it his job to flip me off at every chance walks past, shouldn't I still say hello just in case this time he'll keep his opinion of me to himself?
- I've lost motivation.
- What do I want to do again?
- I don't listen.
- I used to pride myself on being a good listener. I genuinely cared and wanted to hear everything my friends, family, and students had to say. Now, I'm so full of my own worries, complaints, and ideas, I've suddenly so much to say, that I don't really listen anymore. I interrupt and I go on and on and when people need an ear, I'm all mouth. On the other hand, I've learned who of my friends are also good listeners, maybe something I didn't notice before but appreciated now (the inverse is also true, unfortunately). But, will I calm down and listen when I get home?
- I've gotten grumpy.
- Where's the line between assertive and bitchy? Cuz I really don't know. Sometimes I think well done, you've stood up for yourself and other times I think why did you just say that? When several hours of train travel in one weekend, lack of understanding, cultural obstacles and the like become too numerous, I just let the bitch out. I didn't even know she was there. Do I like her? Do I wanna keep her? Maybe as just a weapon for extreme situations? I really don't know.
I'm afraid of those things and other things too - like rabid dogs, the plague, and rejection letters. That moment right before you go over the edge on a roller coaster. Cauliflower.
I'm interested to see how this all turns out. But, right now, I'm feeling a little low. But spring is apparently here as of today, so that's encouraging. Maybe I'm just an icy snow queen who should avoid places like Siberia, the North Pole, and Minnesota.
-Age
