Have you ever noticed how sometimes it’s uncomfortable to write, “I love you,” when “I love ya,” is effortless? What’s the difference? Just a couple ‘a letters. Oh, but it’s so much more than that. “Love ya” has a very relaxed and harmless vibe while “love you” is heavy with the potential for misinterpreted meaning. Saying “I love you” out loud is no problem. You use inflection, facial expressions, and tone to convey your meaning. But in writing, whether through facebook, chat, blogs or what have you, it’s almost always safer to go with the “ya.”
Or even just saying, “I miss you,” or, “can’t wait to see you,” can be misinterpreted. Was it said with longing? Is there a hidden meaning? Is the person trying to imply more than just that simple statement? The “what if’s” start to fly around in your brain, whether welcome or not, and they just can’t be stopped. Which is why we’re careful about how we phrase things to others, cuz we know how our own brain works and we don’t want to give the wrong impression or seem like an overly affectionate creeper.
“I can’t wait to see you…”
It starts out all happy and excited and innocent in your mind but travels through your arms, fingers, keyboard, and internet, coming out the other end full of suggestive meaning. Or, at least, that’s how you think the other person might take it. That’s when “ya” comes in handy. Very few have ever said, “Can’t wait to see ya,” in a suggestive way. That’s mostly because very few are capable. I imagine James Bond (any of ‘em) and Angelina Jolie could get away with it but the rest of us? Not so much.
So “ya” becomes a safety net for keeping things in the friend zone and making absolutely sure that we don’t cause others to question our motives. I do like saying “I love you” to friends and I always mean it, but I try to limit myself when saying it to a friend who is obviously uncomfortable with the affectionate phrase. I want them to know that I love them but I don’t want to make them feel awkward when they are, for whatever reason, incapable of saying it back. I used to have trouble saying it to anyone, it didn’t feel natural. But I practiced and now it’s one of my favorite phrases. But, again, in person. In print, it’s gonna be “ya.” Just to be on the safe side.
There’s also a fun trick that I started with a friend of mine over skype. We decided to end each statement with the tone of the message. Such as:
“I love you. (but, like, totally just as a friend. I mean, nothing funny, just a friendly thing with nothing attached.)”
Or
“I can’t wait to see you. (cuz we’re friends and that’s all. And I like hanging out with you but I’m not, like, secretly in love with you or anything. I don’t fantasize about having your children or meeting your parents, I just look forward to hanging out…as friends.)”
But, I figure, a subtle “ya” is way easier, though not nearly as awkward. And, I don’t wanna brag but, I do awkward really well.
Love ya.
-Age
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
The Next Two Weeks are Gonna be Awesome!
The holidays are coming up and in just a few short days I'll be off for a two-week adventure. First, I'll be taking a 7 hour train ride to Varna to meet my best buddy, Tom. We'll explore Varna, eat Mexican food, and buy a cute hat cuz my head has been cold, especially my ears which is actually quite painful, what gives? Then we'll meet Katelyn, Priscilla, and Mary and have a sleepover at Tom's place. FUN!
We'll then all head back to Varna to Hannah's Holiday House to celebrate Christmas with about 15 or so volunteers. We'll be cooking lots of delicious food, opening our secret santa gifts, and having a merry time. Then Tom and a few others will be off to Sofia to catch a flight to Italy. I'll stay with Hannah and Lexi and we'll hang out for a few days in Varna until it's our turn to return to Sofia and catch our flight to Italy. While a big group of volunteers is going to spend New Year's in Rome, Matt, Lexi, Evan, Hannah, and I will be going to Bologna and Florence. I. Can't. Wait. My mom is even mailing me a special New Year's dress that should arrive on Tuesday (hopefully).
I get a couple extra days off of school for this trip and when I get back, it'll be the end of my first semster and the beginning of a very long winter. But I've got big plans for semester #2 so I'm kinda looking forward to the challenge.
Here are some pictures of my first snowfall:
We'll then all head back to Varna to Hannah's Holiday House to celebrate Christmas with about 15 or so volunteers. We'll be cooking lots of delicious food, opening our secret santa gifts, and having a merry time. Then Tom and a few others will be off to Sofia to catch a flight to Italy. I'll stay with Hannah and Lexi and we'll hang out for a few days in Varna until it's our turn to return to Sofia and catch our flight to Italy. While a big group of volunteers is going to spend New Year's in Rome, Matt, Lexi, Evan, Hannah, and I will be going to Bologna and Florence. I. Can't. Wait. My mom is even mailing me a special New Year's dress that should arrive on Tuesday (hopefully).
I get a couple extra days off of school for this trip and when I get back, it'll be the end of my first semster and the beginning of a very long winter. But I've got big plans for semester #2 so I'm kinda looking forward to the challenge.
Here are some pictures of my first snowfall:
The view from my balcony
Some of my 5th graders having their first snowball fight of the year
View from our English classroom window
-Age
Friday, December 17, 2010
Black Eye? Welcome to Your First Winter Wonderland, Miss Hadaway.
Last week, I woke up, got ready, and went outside to find a thin layer of snow on the ground. It wasn’t much, didn’t cover everything and had a very muddy quality to it but, none the less, it was snow. Snow, on my front porch, on the bushes in front of my building, and along the path I take to school every morning. Proof that, no matter how much I wish it was not the case and that snow was simply a place to visit and say, “Oh, this is nice, I think I’ll throw it at my brother’s face,” and then go home, snow is coming to my village and there’s not a dang thing I can do about it.
Then on Monday, after a very cold night, I woke up and peeked out of my window, seriously expecting to see more snow on the ground. Nothing. It looked freezing and rather dreary but the ground was bare. I quickly got ready because, as always, I was gonna be late, and was running down the steps about 35-40 minutes later, hurriedly swinging open my heavy front door only to stop dead in my tracks as little white specks were drifting past my view, landing on everything, and creating a blanket of snow that was already an inch thick.
I stood in awe. This was a monumental occasion. This was the moment I’ve been waiting for since I found out that Bulgaria experiences true winters. This was the first time in all my nearly 27 years that I have seen snow falling from the sky. And it was different then I’d imagined. Different because, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it before…
I was late so I just ran to school, through the snow, thinking how different my life has become and how surreal it is to live in a place that can change colors in 35-40 minutes. I taught some classes while continuously glancing out the windows as the small, white flecks continued to fall, waiting for the moment when I was free to go back outside and try and catch some on my tongue which has always seemed like a lot of fun (and a rhyme, if you say it out loud. Try it). The snow stuck to my face, to my eyelashes, to my fingers and to the ends of my hair. I studied it, trying to grasp the feeling of déjà vu from that morning. Was it just because I’ve seen snow in the movies so many times? No, because this wasn’t really like movie snow. It was different. I expected snowflakes that look like the ones we cut out and hung on the walls of our classroom. Only smaller.
It looked like...foam. Like dishwashing soap when you blow it off of your hand and into someone’s face. It looked fake. Suddenly I knew exactly what it reminded me of – Disneyland. Every Christmas, Disneyland has a big parade right before the park closes and, at the end, snow falls for about 10 minutes and all the kids' (and parents') faces light up and it’s so wonderfully cheesy that you can’t help but remember the sounds and lights, faces and smells (did you know that Disneyland manufactures its own smell and releases it through hidden vents all over the park, because smell is the strongest sense related to memory and they ((they being the Imagineers)) know you’ll always associate that perfectly fabricated smell with unbridled happiness ((well, only unbridled if your mom doesn't put one of those weird leash things on you )) – true story). But Disney’s snow is fake. It’s actually just soap. It’s stays all foamy and soapy when it lands on your face, eyelashes, fingers, and hair. All this time I thought Disney had it close but not quite accurate when, really, that’s exactly what snow looks like…apparently. How I could ever doubt Disney, I do not know. My apologies.
Anyway, it snowed again today and it’s really beginning to pile up. I love the sound it makes when it crunches under my feet. I also love the hidden patches of ice underneath that make walking an adventure – I’ve almost eaten it several times already and I have a bet with myself to see how long I can go without falling and how many people will be present to laugh at me when I inevitably do.
When I was in Cali, we would go to the snow, in the mountains, where snow belongs. We would drive for an hour or so and find the perfect spot. Though, usually, we weren’t the only ones to realize its perfection and would have to share the side of a smooth, perfect-for-sledding mountainside with about a million other people but, hey, that’s California for ya. But this time, I just had to walk across the street. My students asked me in fifth period today if I would meet them after school to go sledding. I said of course. They then returned to my class at least 5 more times that day to make absolutely sure I was coming. I don’t know if they doubted my understanding of their Bulgarian or they were just that shocked that a teacher would join them for something so frivolous and awesome.
I showed up, sled down the mountain screaming my head off like a crazy person, got into several snowball fights as my students seem to really enjoy pelting me with round, packed snow, and got one right in the eye which made me look like I’d been in a serious fight. The majority of the students there were from my “trouble class” so it was nice getting to spend time with them when screaming was a reaction to extreme fun-having and not frustration. I left soaking wet and freezing cold and knowing that it was the best Thursday I’ve had at site. Success.
The moral of the story: get the sneaky third-grader in the eye first cuz he’s probably not wearing mascara that will then run down his face. Seriously, when I got home and looked in the mirror the first thing I thought was, “I look homeless.”
Pictures of my first snow to come when I’m not cuddled under the covers feeling perfectly lazy and recovering from a black eye that I’m actually exaggerating to the point silliness.
-Age
Then on Monday, after a very cold night, I woke up and peeked out of my window, seriously expecting to see more snow on the ground. Nothing. It looked freezing and rather dreary but the ground was bare. I quickly got ready because, as always, I was gonna be late, and was running down the steps about 35-40 minutes later, hurriedly swinging open my heavy front door only to stop dead in my tracks as little white specks were drifting past my view, landing on everything, and creating a blanket of snow that was already an inch thick.
I stood in awe. This was a monumental occasion. This was the moment I’ve been waiting for since I found out that Bulgaria experiences true winters. This was the first time in all my nearly 27 years that I have seen snow falling from the sky. And it was different then I’d imagined. Different because, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it before…
I was late so I just ran to school, through the snow, thinking how different my life has become and how surreal it is to live in a place that can change colors in 35-40 minutes. I taught some classes while continuously glancing out the windows as the small, white flecks continued to fall, waiting for the moment when I was free to go back outside and try and catch some on my tongue which has always seemed like a lot of fun (and a rhyme, if you say it out loud. Try it). The snow stuck to my face, to my eyelashes, to my fingers and to the ends of my hair. I studied it, trying to grasp the feeling of déjà vu from that morning. Was it just because I’ve seen snow in the movies so many times? No, because this wasn’t really like movie snow. It was different. I expected snowflakes that look like the ones we cut out and hung on the walls of our classroom. Only smaller.
It looked like...foam. Like dishwashing soap when you blow it off of your hand and into someone’s face. It looked fake. Suddenly I knew exactly what it reminded me of – Disneyland. Every Christmas, Disneyland has a big parade right before the park closes and, at the end, snow falls for about 10 minutes and all the kids' (and parents') faces light up and it’s so wonderfully cheesy that you can’t help but remember the sounds and lights, faces and smells (did you know that Disneyland manufactures its own smell and releases it through hidden vents all over the park, because smell is the strongest sense related to memory and they ((they being the Imagineers)) know you’ll always associate that perfectly fabricated smell with unbridled happiness ((well, only unbridled if your mom doesn't put one of those weird leash things on you )) – true story). But Disney’s snow is fake. It’s actually just soap. It’s stays all foamy and soapy when it lands on your face, eyelashes, fingers, and hair. All this time I thought Disney had it close but not quite accurate when, really, that’s exactly what snow looks like…apparently. How I could ever doubt Disney, I do not know. My apologies.
Anyway, it snowed again today and it’s really beginning to pile up. I love the sound it makes when it crunches under my feet. I also love the hidden patches of ice underneath that make walking an adventure – I’ve almost eaten it several times already and I have a bet with myself to see how long I can go without falling and how many people will be present to laugh at me when I inevitably do.
When I was in Cali, we would go to the snow, in the mountains, where snow belongs. We would drive for an hour or so and find the perfect spot. Though, usually, we weren’t the only ones to realize its perfection and would have to share the side of a smooth, perfect-for-sledding mountainside with about a million other people but, hey, that’s California for ya. But this time, I just had to walk across the street. My students asked me in fifth period today if I would meet them after school to go sledding. I said of course. They then returned to my class at least 5 more times that day to make absolutely sure I was coming. I don’t know if they doubted my understanding of their Bulgarian or they were just that shocked that a teacher would join them for something so frivolous and awesome.
I showed up, sled down the mountain screaming my head off like a crazy person, got into several snowball fights as my students seem to really enjoy pelting me with round, packed snow, and got one right in the eye which made me look like I’d been in a serious fight. The majority of the students there were from my “trouble class” so it was nice getting to spend time with them when screaming was a reaction to extreme fun-having and not frustration. I left soaking wet and freezing cold and knowing that it was the best Thursday I’ve had at site. Success.
The moral of the story: get the sneaky third-grader in the eye first cuz he’s probably not wearing mascara that will then run down his face. Seriously, when I got home and looked in the mirror the first thing I thought was, “I look homeless.”
Pictures of my first snow to come when I’m not cuddled under the covers feeling perfectly lazy and recovering from a black eye that I’m actually exaggerating to the point silliness.
-Age
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Apparently I Enjoy Doing the Dishes Which Has Me Worrying for My Sanity...and Really Happy to Actually Have Clean Mugs in the Mornings
So, integration is a big part of Peace Corps. We are supposed to get to know the people in our villages, make friends, spend time with them and plan all kinds of na gosti’s (visits). I haven’t really done a whole lot of that. I get to know people, for sure. I’ve made friends, don’t get me wrong. I think most of my colleagues like me alright but na gosti’s are not popping up everywhere for me like they are for some volunteers. It seems to be more popular to go for coffee or have dinner at the (really nice) restaurant in town than to spend time in people’s homes. I don’t mind this at all, however, I feel more comfortable in that type of setting anyway. I also enjoy the occasional weekend where I never leave my apartment at all and really hope no one calls to “hodi na restorant.”
But, it can get a bit boring.
Hence the highlight of my evening a few days ago when, after eating a meal of boiled beans (cuz my culinary skills are sadly lacking), I saw a bean on the table and exclaimed to no one in particular,
“Hey! A stray bean! What’ya think you’re doing?”
And I ate it.
And then there’s the fact that I’ve come to look forward to washing my dishes. I actually enjoy it. To the point where I save them, waiting until the time is just right so I can savor the act of scrubbing while listening to my ipod and hoping that my neighbors can’t actually hear me singing through the walls while also thinking that it’s probably a bit of a treat for them as I sound pretty damn good (I don’t). I’ve also started to eat less in an attempt to not put on the weight of a hibernating bear which has seriously deteriorated my dish-count (though, sadly, not my waistline) making the evening ritual shorter than I’d like. Who would’ve thought that would be a downside to dieting? Certainly not me.
But what else is there to do when I’ve already given myself 20 minutes to come up with the cleverest facebook post I can think of to express my day and another hour or two jumping from skype chats to blog posts.
Not to say I don’t work (in case PC staff is reading this and judging the use of my seemingly immense amounts of free time). I do. Though, it’s slowed down as things have gotten colder and people are beginning to nestle down into their winter habits which are, as yet, unknown to me. I don’t know what my Bulgarian winter habits are either – though it’s clear they involve cleanliness… which is next to godliness… which may make me the God of winter, but only in Bulgaria. Which is cool.
I’ve also found it hard to work at home. Without the motivation of others working alongside me, it’s difficult to get excited about daily lesson planning. Sometimes I stay at school and work in my classroom or the teacher’s lounge but it’s just as lonely there as the teachers at my school book it the second school is over. My counterpart has a second job teaching at another school in town (not just English but math and music as well) and can’t stay after school to plan with me though the team effort would be nice. I sometimes wish there was another volunteer in my village to work with, bounce ideas off of, and bitch to but I also understand the importance of being a part of the community as opposed to a separate…commodity? I don’t know.
Anyway, I’ve started a Volunteer Committee with about a dozen students from my school (though I'm sure, like everything else I start, the numbers will dwindle to only the truly serious ones). Our first meeting will be this Friday which also kicks off the beginning of our clothes drive. I sent home fliers (in Bulgarian as the super nice lady at the internet club helped me write it) to the students to give to their parents asking for old clothes and shoes. Then the students helped me to decorate a Christmas box in order to put the clothing in and we’ll be making some fun posters tomorrow in technology class (my counterpart teaches this as well – she’s a busy lady). The kids are already pretty excited and talking about the bags of clothes they plan to bring.
I’ll then be making a slideshow of the children we’ll be donating these clothes to as another volunteer is collecting for the students in her orphanage and asked us all for help - she sent me photos of her students to add to my slideshow. I want to show the students where their generosity is going and, hopefully, take the students in the Volunteer Committee with me to donate the clothes in person and maybe even meet some of the other children. That would be asking a lot of everyone involved and I’m not sure if my school or kids are ready for that but I’m willing to give it a try.
What I’m not sure of, is what to do afterward. I want to show the students, and their parents, that I care and appreciate what they’ve done, show them that giving and thinking of others is truly important, but I don’t know how to go about that. A thank you letter might be nice but I thought maybe something more. Hmmmmmm. If you have any ideas, let me know!
That’s all. Love ya.
-Age
But, it can get a bit boring.
Hence the highlight of my evening a few days ago when, after eating a meal of boiled beans (cuz my culinary skills are sadly lacking), I saw a bean on the table and exclaimed to no one in particular,
“Hey! A stray bean! What’ya think you’re doing?”
And I ate it.
And then there’s the fact that I’ve come to look forward to washing my dishes. I actually enjoy it. To the point where I save them, waiting until the time is just right so I can savor the act of scrubbing while listening to my ipod and hoping that my neighbors can’t actually hear me singing through the walls while also thinking that it’s probably a bit of a treat for them as I sound pretty damn good (I don’t). I’ve also started to eat less in an attempt to not put on the weight of a hibernating bear which has seriously deteriorated my dish-count (though, sadly, not my waistline) making the evening ritual shorter than I’d like. Who would’ve thought that would be a downside to dieting? Certainly not me.
But what else is there to do when I’ve already given myself 20 minutes to come up with the cleverest facebook post I can think of to express my day and another hour or two jumping from skype chats to blog posts.
Not to say I don’t work (in case PC staff is reading this and judging the use of my seemingly immense amounts of free time). I do. Though, it’s slowed down as things have gotten colder and people are beginning to nestle down into their winter habits which are, as yet, unknown to me. I don’t know what my Bulgarian winter habits are either – though it’s clear they involve cleanliness… which is next to godliness… which may make me the God of winter, but only in Bulgaria. Which is cool.
I’ve also found it hard to work at home. Without the motivation of others working alongside me, it’s difficult to get excited about daily lesson planning. Sometimes I stay at school and work in my classroom or the teacher’s lounge but it’s just as lonely there as the teachers at my school book it the second school is over. My counterpart has a second job teaching at another school in town (not just English but math and music as well) and can’t stay after school to plan with me though the team effort would be nice. I sometimes wish there was another volunteer in my village to work with, bounce ideas off of, and bitch to but I also understand the importance of being a part of the community as opposed to a separate…commodity? I don’t know.
Anyway, I’ve started a Volunteer Committee with about a dozen students from my school (though I'm sure, like everything else I start, the numbers will dwindle to only the truly serious ones). Our first meeting will be this Friday which also kicks off the beginning of our clothes drive. I sent home fliers (in Bulgarian as the super nice lady at the internet club helped me write it) to the students to give to their parents asking for old clothes and shoes. Then the students helped me to decorate a Christmas box in order to put the clothing in and we’ll be making some fun posters tomorrow in technology class (my counterpart teaches this as well – she’s a busy lady). The kids are already pretty excited and talking about the bags of clothes they plan to bring.
I’ll then be making a slideshow of the children we’ll be donating these clothes to as another volunteer is collecting for the students in her orphanage and asked us all for help - she sent me photos of her students to add to my slideshow. I want to show the students where their generosity is going and, hopefully, take the students in the Volunteer Committee with me to donate the clothes in person and maybe even meet some of the other children. That would be asking a lot of everyone involved and I’m not sure if my school or kids are ready for that but I’m willing to give it a try.
What I’m not sure of, is what to do afterward. I want to show the students, and their parents, that I care and appreciate what they’ve done, show them that giving and thinking of others is truly important, but I don’t know how to go about that. A thank you letter might be nice but I thought maybe something more. Hmmmmmm. If you have any ideas, let me know!
That’s all. Love ya.
-Age
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Drinkin' Outta Cups
So, I recently went to a wonderful Thanksgiving feast with some lovely Bulgarian and Peace Corps friends and took some fun pics. We had a GREAT time - I missed family and friends from back home but Bulgarian Thanksgiving was uniquely fantastic and I'm excited to do it again next year. After Thanksgiving, we all traveled to our In-Service Training which was also a lot of fun as well as highly informative. I'm also giddy with excitement when I think that in just a few, short weeks I'll be celebrating Christmas in Varna and New Years in Italy!!! Does life get better than this? I don't think so. And one more thing: it's not snowing. (Well, not yet anyway)
We ate
We smiled
We cheered
We made awkward faces
We laughed
We ate some kick-ass cake (thanks, Evan!)
We played Dirty Mind (of course)
We were drinkin' outta cups (but not bein' a bitch)
It was a lovely time at Red-Headed Mary's!
-Age
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Wallflower? Who Me?
There are a lot of Peace Corps related things happening to me right now. So many that I don't really feel like talking about them anymore. So, instead of chatting about what's most relevent to me at the moment I'm going to instead travel back a few days...I was sitting on a train chatting with a friend about the difference between introverts and extraverts. It was an interesting conversation and the gal has since facebooked me a fun article with a detailed explanation of what makes an introvert tick and why it's not easy to be one in modern, American society (not that I'm in America but there's still a cultural relevance, especially when I'm around lots of Americans which was the case earlier this week during our In-Service Training). It's called "Revenge of the Introvert."
I thought I'd begin by stating the obvious - I'm an introvert. Shocking, no? I've taken that Meyers-Briggs test that everyone and their second cousin has taken and I am officially an INFP (the "I" stands for introvert) and dang proud of it! That particular personality type is called the "Idealist" which is fitting. Here's some quotes I found interesting about the article and I thought I would expand upon:
"Often confused with shyness, introversion does not imply social reticence or discomfort. Rather than being averse to social engagement, introverts become overwhelmed by too much of it...as a result, introverts are not driven to seek big hits of positive emotional arousal—they'd rather find meaning than bliss—making them relatively immune to the search for happiness that permeates contemporary American culture."
I've had shy stages in my life but I would no longer describe myself in that way though I am acutely aware of feeling out of place in some social settings. This article helped me to realize why that is: I feel overwhelmed. I've used this word, when talking to friends, many times to describe the way some of our PC trainings have made me feel. When all 85 of us get together, including PC staff and often many B25's, I feel overwhelmed by all the people and all the social interacting. I feel that the Peace Corps, in general, encourages a more extraverted attitude and approach to life but I don't think it's necessary for a successful service. Introverts come with their own set of social skills and advantages that are often overlooked cuz, well, we're kinda quiet.
"It's often possible to spot introverts by their conversational style. They're the ones doing the listening."
"Introverts are collectors of thoughts."
We're quiet for a reason. We're processing. As introverts, we often despise small talk (cuz we're bad at it and have significant trouble coming up with quick answers to meaningless questions cuz we're spending too much time pondering the deeper aspects of the conversation and situation itself - we ponder) and we don't toss out words, opinions, or ideas without having first given them significant thought. Actually, we do, at times, in order to fit in, but it never goes well. At least not for me.
The article goes further into this point I've just made, that in a society that praises and encourages, highlights and even expects extraversion, the introverts are left feeling inadequate and that they have to make excuses for their behavior or even change it:
I once referred to myself in my own mind (as introverts tend to self-reflect far more than is healthy) as detached. I immediately felt that this was a terrible word and tried to dissuade myself from feeling this way but couldn't get away from it. Now, after reading this article, I realize that I'm not detached (well, I might be) but I just require more quiet reflection and personal time than others, which is OK. I'm allowed this without feeling guilty. Also, 50% of people are introverts in the States (probably way less in my PC world but whatever) but we simply don't realize it, according to this article, because the extraverts draw more attention, naturally.
I thought I'd begin by stating the obvious - I'm an introvert. Shocking, no? I've taken that Meyers-Briggs test that everyone and their second cousin has taken and I am officially an INFP (the "I" stands for introvert) and dang proud of it! That particular personality type is called the "Idealist" which is fitting. Here's some quotes I found interesting about the article and I thought I would expand upon:
"Often confused with shyness, introversion does not imply social reticence or discomfort. Rather than being averse to social engagement, introverts become overwhelmed by too much of it...as a result, introverts are not driven to seek big hits of positive emotional arousal—they'd rather find meaning than bliss—making them relatively immune to the search for happiness that permeates contemporary American culture."
I've had shy stages in my life but I would no longer describe myself in that way though I am acutely aware of feeling out of place in some social settings. This article helped me to realize why that is: I feel overwhelmed. I've used this word, when talking to friends, many times to describe the way some of our PC trainings have made me feel. When all 85 of us get together, including PC staff and often many B25's, I feel overwhelmed by all the people and all the social interacting. I feel that the Peace Corps, in general, encourages a more extraverted attitude and approach to life but I don't think it's necessary for a successful service. Introverts come with their own set of social skills and advantages that are often overlooked cuz, well, we're kinda quiet.
"It's often possible to spot introverts by their conversational style. They're the ones doing the listening."
"Introverts are collectors of thoughts."
We're quiet for a reason. We're processing. As introverts, we often despise small talk (cuz we're bad at it and have significant trouble coming up with quick answers to meaningless questions cuz we're spending too much time pondering the deeper aspects of the conversation and situation itself - we ponder) and we don't toss out words, opinions, or ideas without having first given them significant thought. Actually, we do, at times, in order to fit in, but it never goes well. At least not for me.
The article goes further into this point I've just made, that in a society that praises and encourages, highlights and even expects extraversion, the introverts are left feeling inadequate and that they have to make excuses for their behavior or even change it:
"Personality-culture clash hypothesis: "Psychological adjustment depends on the degree of match between personality and the values of surrounding society." To the extent that introverts feel the need to explain, apologize, or feel guilty about what works best for them, they feel alienated not only from society but from themselves."
Also:
"Researchers have found that introverts who act extraverted show slower reaction times on subsequent cognitive tests than those allowed to act introverted. Their cognitive fatigue testifies to the fact that "acting counter-dispositionally is depleting."
Acting counter-dispositionally is depleting! This made a huge impact on me when I read it. I have felt this! I often feel exhausted trying to keep up with some of my more gregarious friends. I have relationships with many extraverts which I think testifies to the idea that opposites attract and we together create an ideal relationship of give-and-take but too much of it or too many extraverted people at once can make me feel drained and withdrawn.
I once referred to myself in my own mind (as introverts tend to self-reflect far more than is healthy) as detached. I immediately felt that this was a terrible word and tried to dissuade myself from feeling this way but couldn't get away from it. Now, after reading this article, I realize that I'm not detached (well, I might be) but I just require more quiet reflection and personal time than others, which is OK. I'm allowed this without feeling guilty. Also, 50% of people are introverts in the States (probably way less in my PC world but whatever) but we simply don't realize it, according to this article, because the extraverts draw more attention, naturally.
"...a preference for solitude, reflection, internal exploration of ideas vs. active engagement and pursuit of rewards in the external/social world..."
"Solitude, quite literally, allows introverts to hear themselves think. But extensive internal dialogue, especially in response to negative experiences, can set off a downward spiral of affect. And indeed, anxiety and depression are more common among introverts than extraverts. In general, says Robert McPeek, director of research at the Center for Applications of Psychological Type, introverts are more self-critical than others—but also more realistic in their self-assessments. Call it depressive realism."
One of my main reasons for joining the Peace Corps stemmed from my belief that I spent entirely too much time self-reflecting. I was so concerned with bettering myself in whatever way possible and spent the two years following my graduation from the credentialing program trying to achieve this, without much success, that I was sick of myself. I knew I needed to focus on others and give myself a break from myself. I love watching TED videos and a recent clip talked of the importance in serving others as a way of achieving bliss. We've all been told a million times that money doesn't buy happiness (though many people still try) but we fail to reach further and try and understand the factors that do influence our happiness. Turning the focus from ourselves to others is one way.
(Sorry, I don't know why the background looks like that or how to fix it)
Anyway:
"Even a simple opener of "Hello, how are you? Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you about X," from anyone can challenge an introvert. Rather than bypassing the first question or interrupting the flow to answer it, the introvert holds onto the question: Hmm, how am I? (An internal dialogue begins, in which the introvert "hears" herself talking internally as the other person speaks.)Even if the introvert responds, "I'm good," she's probably still reflecting on how she is: Good? That's not quite right. I really have had a pretty crummy day, but there isn't a quick way to explain that. She wants to first work out privately her thoughts and judgment about the day. She also may evaluate the question itself: I hate that we so often just say 'good' because that's the convention. The other person doesn't really want to know. She may even activate memories of how the question has struck her in the past. While the introvert is evaluating the question on at least two levels (how she is feeling and what she thinks about the question, perhaps also what this says about our society), the speaker is already moving on to sharing something about his day. The introvert must take the incoming message from the speaker and tuck it into working memory until she can get to it, while more information keeps flowing in that demands tracking, sorting, searching, and critical analysis."
The article discusses how an introverts brain fires off more signals and is far more active when engaged in conversation than an extravert. For extraverts, talking and conversing is second-nature, like tying a shoe or riding a bike, for the introvert, it's a complicated process that seldom seems to get easier or less involved. That's why we suck at small talk. I hate small talk. Hate it. Always have - this explains it. Finally.
For those of you who have stuck it out this long here's some tips on "What Not to Say to an Introvert":
• "'Why don't you like parties? Don't you like people?' is a common remark introverts hear," says Marti Laney, a psychologist and the author of The Introvert Advantage. "Usually we like people fine," she insists. "We just like them in small doses." Cocktail parties can be deadly. "We're social but it's a different type of socializing."
• "Surprise, we've decided to bring the family and stay with you for the weekend." Anyone anywhere on the -vert spectrum could find such a declaration objectionable, but it's more likely to bring an introvert to a boil, according to Nancy Ancowitz. Introverts count on their downtime to rejuvenate their resources; an extended presence in their homes robs them of that respite.
• Don't demand immediate feedback from an introvert. "Extraverts think we have answers but just aren't giving them," Laney says. "They don't understand we need time to formulate them" and often won't talk until a thought is suitably polished.
• Don't ask introverts why they're not contributing in meetings. If you're holding a brainstorming session, let the introvert prepare, or encourage him to follow up with his contributions afterward.
• Don't interrupt if an introvert does get to talking. Listen closely. "Being overlooked is a really big issue for introverts," Laney says. Introverts are unlikely to repeat themselves; they will not risk making the same mistake twice.
• Above all, "we hate people telling us how we can be more extraverted, as if that's the desired state," says Beth Buelow, a life and leadership coach for introverts. Many introverts are happy with the way they are. And if you're not, that's your problem.
• "Surprise, we've decided to bring the family and stay with you for the weekend." Anyone anywhere on the -vert spectrum could find such a declaration objectionable, but it's more likely to bring an introvert to a boil, according to Nancy Ancowitz. Introverts count on their downtime to rejuvenate their resources; an extended presence in their homes robs them of that respite.
• Don't demand immediate feedback from an introvert. "Extraverts think we have answers but just aren't giving them," Laney says. "They don't understand we need time to formulate them" and often won't talk until a thought is suitably polished.
• Don't ask introverts why they're not contributing in meetings. If you're holding a brainstorming session, let the introvert prepare, or encourage him to follow up with his contributions afterward.
• Don't interrupt if an introvert does get to talking. Listen closely. "Being overlooked is a really big issue for introverts," Laney says. Introverts are unlikely to repeat themselves; they will not risk making the same mistake twice.
• Above all, "we hate people telling us how we can be more extraverted, as if that's the desired state," says Beth Buelow, a life and leadership coach for introverts. Many introverts are happy with the way they are. And if you're not, that's your problem.
I found this article insightful and really helpful. I feel less guilty for being me and I have an explanation for the crazy things that go on in my mind and the awkward situations I sometimes find myself in. It's OK to be the quiet one who simply observes while others do - it's what works for us and makes the doing so much more meaningful when we're able to take it at our own pace.
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