Not Sure

I've been questioning myself a lot lately. Questioning why I'm here, why I can't get my students to listen to me, and how other volunteers may fair far better if they were in my school, my town, my situation instead of me. I have this “I don't have what it takes” feeling all the time and it's a heavy burden to carry down the streets of this small village all alone. See, the winter isn't even here yet and I'm already suffering from...depression?

No, it's not that serious. But sometimes I feel this overwhelming helpless feeling. When my seventh graders get so angry they throw chairs across the room, curse at me at the top of their lungs and storm at of my class and the Director has to intervene, I feel helpless. I literally have no idea what to do. I know what not to do. I don't panic. I don't yell back. I won't ever hit them and I still hesitate to lay anything but a friendly hand on my students. But what do I do?

When I've planned this great lesson where I dress up like a Baba and tell the students their fortunes in order to practice future continuous and two students rip their chairs apart and race them around the classroom like 5-year-olds and my counterpart gives them a 15 minute lecture in which they spend the majority of the time arguing with her at the top of their voices, what do I do? I stand there. I try to understand what's being said in rapid Bulgarian. I look apologetically towards the few students in the class who genuinely want to learn English but can't. I stand there. I do...nothing.

I want to do something. I want to know exactly what to do in that moment and execute it with the precision of a seasoned teacher who's been in this situation many times and knows exactly what needs to be done. Or I want to be one of those teachers that is just naturally good at this, a person whose presence commands attention and respect. I've had teachers like that, teachers who could bring me to tears with one disappointed look. I'd like these students to feel something at the idea of disappointing their teachers, something more than a shrug of the shoulders.

I definitely make the mistake of being too friendly, too buddy-buddy with the students. Teasing me becomes a game and while I know that there is a time and a place for such games and laughs the students have a difficult time differentiating between in the classroom and out of the classroom. It's sad that I may have to be serious all the time when I'm around them simply so they know I mean business when I'm in front of the white board but I'm less and less inclined to be their buddy anyway. The level of disrespect is really starting to take it's toll. I not only feel anger and frustration when they disrespect me but when they disrespect my counterpart or other teachers at the school. It's just awful. And, again, I don't know what to do.

I understand that I'm probably not the only one facing this. But it kinda feels like it. It's only been 4 weeks and I'm burnt out. If you'd told me 4 weeks ago this was going to happen, I wouldn't have believed you. Me? Burnt out? Never. I'm like the Enegizer Bunny. The Little Engine That Could. I can't burn out. Now, I'm not saying I'm gonna give up. That's something I won't do. But things are gonna change. I'm gonna focus more on secondary projects. I'm gonna reach out to those students who care. I'm gonna set an example while still maintaining an appropriate distance. I'm gonna read my Bible more. I know that seems unrelated but, for me, it isn't. I need His guidance. I need to feel that I'm not alone. That I'm being taken care of, watched over, that there is a reason I'm here. I mean, if this all really means nothing and we're just floating around in space, why would I feel the need to be here, in Bulgaria? I'd be in Tahiti or something. I'd work at a bar for 8 hours to make money and spend the rest of my time in a hammock waiting out the end in “happiness.”

Happiness, whatever that means, is achievable here, it just seems so far away right now. I don't want to be one of those teachers that holds her breath for Christmas vacation, who can't wait for the weekend so she can hop on a train and disappear. I need help. I don't think I can do this by myself. That's not easy for a girl like me to admit. But I'm not sure I can do this.

-Age