There are a lot of Peace Corps related things happening to me right now. So many that I don't really feel like talking about them anymore. So, instead of chatting about what's most relevent to me at the moment I'm going to instead travel back a few days...I was sitting on a train chatting with a friend about the difference between introverts and extraverts. It was an interesting conversation and the gal has since facebooked me a fun article with a detailed explanation of what makes an introvert tick and why it's not easy to be one in modern, American society (not that I'm in America but there's still a cultural relevance, especially when I'm around lots of Americans which was the case earlier this week during our In-Service Training). It's called "Revenge of the Introvert."
I thought I'd begin by stating the obvious - I'm an introvert. Shocking, no? I've taken that Meyers-Briggs test that everyone and their second cousin has taken and I am officially an INFP (the "I" stands for introvert) and dang proud of it! That particular personality type is called the "Idealist" which is fitting. Here's some quotes I found interesting about the article and I thought I would expand upon:
"Often confused with shyness, introversion does not imply social reticence or discomfort. Rather than being averse to social engagement, introverts become overwhelmed by too much of it...as a result, introverts are not driven to seek big hits of positive emotional arousal—they'd rather find meaning than bliss—making them relatively immune to the search for happiness that permeates contemporary American culture."
I've had shy stages in my life but I would no longer describe myself in that way though I am acutely aware of feeling out of place in some social settings. This article helped me to realize why that is: I feel overwhelmed. I've used this word, when talking to friends, many times to describe the way some of our PC trainings have made me feel. When all 85 of us get together, including PC staff and often many B25's, I feel overwhelmed by all the people and all the social interacting. I feel that the Peace Corps, in general, encourages a more extraverted attitude and approach to life but I don't think it's necessary for a successful service. Introverts come with their own set of social skills and advantages that are often overlooked cuz, well, we're kinda quiet.
"It's often possible to spot introverts by their conversational style. They're the ones doing the listening."
"Introverts are collectors of thoughts."
We're quiet for a reason. We're processing. As introverts, we often despise small talk (cuz we're bad at it and have significant trouble coming up with quick answers to meaningless questions cuz we're spending too much time pondering the deeper aspects of the conversation and situation itself - we ponder) and we don't toss out words, opinions, or ideas without having first given them significant thought. Actually, we do, at times, in order to fit in, but it never goes well. At least not for me.
The article goes further into this point I've just made, that in a society that praises and encourages, highlights and even expects extraversion, the introverts are left feeling inadequate and that they have to make excuses for their behavior or even change it:
I once referred to myself in my own mind (as introverts tend to self-reflect far more than is healthy) as detached. I immediately felt that this was a terrible word and tried to dissuade myself from feeling this way but couldn't get away from it. Now, after reading this article, I realize that I'm not detached (well, I might be) but I just require more quiet reflection and personal time than others, which is OK. I'm allowed this without feeling guilty. Also, 50% of people are introverts in the States (probably way less in my PC world but whatever) but we simply don't realize it, according to this article, because the extraverts draw more attention, naturally.
I thought I'd begin by stating the obvious - I'm an introvert. Shocking, no? I've taken that Meyers-Briggs test that everyone and their second cousin has taken and I am officially an INFP (the "I" stands for introvert) and dang proud of it! That particular personality type is called the "Idealist" which is fitting. Here's some quotes I found interesting about the article and I thought I would expand upon:
"Often confused with shyness, introversion does not imply social reticence or discomfort. Rather than being averse to social engagement, introverts become overwhelmed by too much of it...as a result, introverts are not driven to seek big hits of positive emotional arousal—they'd rather find meaning than bliss—making them relatively immune to the search for happiness that permeates contemporary American culture."
I've had shy stages in my life but I would no longer describe myself in that way though I am acutely aware of feeling out of place in some social settings. This article helped me to realize why that is: I feel overwhelmed. I've used this word, when talking to friends, many times to describe the way some of our PC trainings have made me feel. When all 85 of us get together, including PC staff and often many B25's, I feel overwhelmed by all the people and all the social interacting. I feel that the Peace Corps, in general, encourages a more extraverted attitude and approach to life but I don't think it's necessary for a successful service. Introverts come with their own set of social skills and advantages that are often overlooked cuz, well, we're kinda quiet.
"It's often possible to spot introverts by their conversational style. They're the ones doing the listening."
"Introverts are collectors of thoughts."
We're quiet for a reason. We're processing. As introverts, we often despise small talk (cuz we're bad at it and have significant trouble coming up with quick answers to meaningless questions cuz we're spending too much time pondering the deeper aspects of the conversation and situation itself - we ponder) and we don't toss out words, opinions, or ideas without having first given them significant thought. Actually, we do, at times, in order to fit in, but it never goes well. At least not for me.
The article goes further into this point I've just made, that in a society that praises and encourages, highlights and even expects extraversion, the introverts are left feeling inadequate and that they have to make excuses for their behavior or even change it:
"Personality-culture clash hypothesis: "Psychological adjustment depends on the degree of match between personality and the values of surrounding society." To the extent that introverts feel the need to explain, apologize, or feel guilty about what works best for them, they feel alienated not only from society but from themselves."
Also:
"Researchers have found that introverts who act extraverted show slower reaction times on subsequent cognitive tests than those allowed to act introverted. Their cognitive fatigue testifies to the fact that "acting counter-dispositionally is depleting."
Acting counter-dispositionally is depleting! This made a huge impact on me when I read it. I have felt this! I often feel exhausted trying to keep up with some of my more gregarious friends. I have relationships with many extraverts which I think testifies to the idea that opposites attract and we together create an ideal relationship of give-and-take but too much of it or too many extraverted people at once can make me feel drained and withdrawn.
I once referred to myself in my own mind (as introverts tend to self-reflect far more than is healthy) as detached. I immediately felt that this was a terrible word and tried to dissuade myself from feeling this way but couldn't get away from it. Now, after reading this article, I realize that I'm not detached (well, I might be) but I just require more quiet reflection and personal time than others, which is OK. I'm allowed this without feeling guilty. Also, 50% of people are introverts in the States (probably way less in my PC world but whatever) but we simply don't realize it, according to this article, because the extraverts draw more attention, naturally.
"...a preference for solitude, reflection, internal exploration of ideas vs. active engagement and pursuit of rewards in the external/social world..."
"Solitude, quite literally, allows introverts to hear themselves think. But extensive internal dialogue, especially in response to negative experiences, can set off a downward spiral of affect. And indeed, anxiety and depression are more common among introverts than extraverts. In general, says Robert McPeek, director of research at the Center for Applications of Psychological Type, introverts are more self-critical than others—but also more realistic in their self-assessments. Call it depressive realism."
One of my main reasons for joining the Peace Corps stemmed from my belief that I spent entirely too much time self-reflecting. I was so concerned with bettering myself in whatever way possible and spent the two years following my graduation from the credentialing program trying to achieve this, without much success, that I was sick of myself. I knew I needed to focus on others and give myself a break from myself. I love watching TED videos and a recent clip talked of the importance in serving others as a way of achieving bliss. We've all been told a million times that money doesn't buy happiness (though many people still try) but we fail to reach further and try and understand the factors that do influence our happiness. Turning the focus from ourselves to others is one way.
(Sorry, I don't know why the background looks like that or how to fix it)
Anyway:
"Even a simple opener of "Hello, how are you? Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you about X," from anyone can challenge an introvert. Rather than bypassing the first question or interrupting the flow to answer it, the introvert holds onto the question: Hmm, how am I? (An internal dialogue begins, in which the introvert "hears" herself talking internally as the other person speaks.)Even if the introvert responds, "I'm good," she's probably still reflecting on how she is: Good? That's not quite right. I really have had a pretty crummy day, but there isn't a quick way to explain that. She wants to first work out privately her thoughts and judgment about the day. She also may evaluate the question itself: I hate that we so often just say 'good' because that's the convention. The other person doesn't really want to know. She may even activate memories of how the question has struck her in the past. While the introvert is evaluating the question on at least two levels (how she is feeling and what she thinks about the question, perhaps also what this says about our society), the speaker is already moving on to sharing something about his day. The introvert must take the incoming message from the speaker and tuck it into working memory until she can get to it, while more information keeps flowing in that demands tracking, sorting, searching, and critical analysis."
The article discusses how an introverts brain fires off more signals and is far more active when engaged in conversation than an extravert. For extraverts, talking and conversing is second-nature, like tying a shoe or riding a bike, for the introvert, it's a complicated process that seldom seems to get easier or less involved. That's why we suck at small talk. I hate small talk. Hate it. Always have - this explains it. Finally.
For those of you who have stuck it out this long here's some tips on "What Not to Say to an Introvert":
• "'Why don't you like parties? Don't you like people?' is a common remark introverts hear," says Marti Laney, a psychologist and the author of The Introvert Advantage. "Usually we like people fine," she insists. "We just like them in small doses." Cocktail parties can be deadly. "We're social but it's a different type of socializing."
• "Surprise, we've decided to bring the family and stay with you for the weekend." Anyone anywhere on the -vert spectrum could find such a declaration objectionable, but it's more likely to bring an introvert to a boil, according to Nancy Ancowitz. Introverts count on their downtime to rejuvenate their resources; an extended presence in their homes robs them of that respite.
• Don't demand immediate feedback from an introvert. "Extraverts think we have answers but just aren't giving them," Laney says. "They don't understand we need time to formulate them" and often won't talk until a thought is suitably polished.
• Don't ask introverts why they're not contributing in meetings. If you're holding a brainstorming session, let the introvert prepare, or encourage him to follow up with his contributions afterward.
• Don't interrupt if an introvert does get to talking. Listen closely. "Being overlooked is a really big issue for introverts," Laney says. Introverts are unlikely to repeat themselves; they will not risk making the same mistake twice.
• Above all, "we hate people telling us how we can be more extraverted, as if that's the desired state," says Beth Buelow, a life and leadership coach for introverts. Many introverts are happy with the way they are. And if you're not, that's your problem.
• "Surprise, we've decided to bring the family and stay with you for the weekend." Anyone anywhere on the -vert spectrum could find such a declaration objectionable, but it's more likely to bring an introvert to a boil, according to Nancy Ancowitz. Introverts count on their downtime to rejuvenate their resources; an extended presence in their homes robs them of that respite.
• Don't demand immediate feedback from an introvert. "Extraverts think we have answers but just aren't giving them," Laney says. "They don't understand we need time to formulate them" and often won't talk until a thought is suitably polished.
• Don't ask introverts why they're not contributing in meetings. If you're holding a brainstorming session, let the introvert prepare, or encourage him to follow up with his contributions afterward.
• Don't interrupt if an introvert does get to talking. Listen closely. "Being overlooked is a really big issue for introverts," Laney says. Introverts are unlikely to repeat themselves; they will not risk making the same mistake twice.
• Above all, "we hate people telling us how we can be more extraverted, as if that's the desired state," says Beth Buelow, a life and leadership coach for introverts. Many introverts are happy with the way they are. And if you're not, that's your problem.
I found this article insightful and really helpful. I feel less guilty for being me and I have an explanation for the crazy things that go on in my mind and the awkward situations I sometimes find myself in. It's OK to be the quiet one who simply observes while others do - it's what works for us and makes the doing so much more meaningful when we're able to take it at our own pace.
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