Listen To My Words

When someone listens well it’s because they genuinely care. They aren't thinking about what they’re going to say next, how it relates to them and their life, and what tidbits of their own perspective they can add to what the other person is saying. Their eyes don’t’ wander as they ponder their next phrase or story or how they can relate how interesting they are while the other person is still in the middle of whatever it is they’re saying. To be fair, there are some conversations where this is appropriate, where the need for a give-and-take type of conversation needs to take place, both parties putting equal thoughts and effort into the conversation. But I’m talking about what makes a good listener: someone who cares about what the other person is saying and shows it.

There are times when a conversation, in traditional terms, isn't really appropriate. When there is something personal to relate and the person doing the sharing needs simply to be listened to so that whatever is going on with them emotionally can be conveyed to someone. They need to be heard and feel as though they’re understood. Human connection is so important for all of us. Not just women. Not just people of a certain age. All of us. The desire for someone to fulfill our emotional needs is so strong and that is why we share our fears, our secrets, our past, desires, ambition, happiness, and anger. Even if our thoughts and feelings aren't ideal or aren't “what they should be” it doesn't stop them from being our thoughts and feelings, no matter how flawed. And to be able to convey our insecurities or annoyances or trepidation knowing that they our based in imperfections without being judged or preached to or made to feel as though those thoughts are somehow wrong is so valuable.

If I were to tell someone about a fear, no matter how irrational, I wouldn't want the response to be - “hey, that’s stupid. You shouldn't feel that way” – “you need to be more confident” – “don’t worry so much, you over-think things” – well that just makes me shut down. I no longer want that person to know how I feel because they won’t allow me to feel it. I wish I could take back what I told them so they can’t tell me it’s wrong. No one can help their emotions. This is simply how I feel. And I want to be able to talk about it and just have it be known without an unsolicited opinion or critique.

There are people in our lives that give us the emotional support we need and we go to them in times when we want to be heard and understood and afterwards we are often left with a sense of having related to someone, a remarkable feeling. The feeling that, with words, we can describe the buzzings and whirrings and irrationalities of our mind and have someone understand them. Well, maybe not always understand but at least be aware of, to hear us.

I have people in my life that I always go to when I need to talk. Not just so they can tell me what I want to hear but so I know that what I’m thinking or feeling is perfectly OK and I’m still me and maybe they even know me a little better than they did before. I don’t share personal things about myself easily. If I begin to share and I can tell the person isn't really all that interested, I’ll stop. If I’m interrupted in the middle of a speech that involves effort on my part to share, I turn off. Game over. I make a promise to myself not to make that mistake again with that person. Once, over the phone, I started to tell someone a story about my sister, my favorite person in the whole world, the most unique and wonderful girl I know, and was interrupted, told that they had to go. After talking non-stop at a leisurely pace for 45 minutes, they suddenly had to go and I felt so stupid. I promised never to do that again, that the privilege of knowing me better wouldn't be extended to that person again. That may all sound very extreme or, I'm aware, even condescending but for someone who finds sharing herself difficult, it’s a necessary defense mechanism. Self-preservation. And I’ll forever be wary of people who strongly monopolize the conversation almost every time we speak.

More positively, I’m always awed by people who share themselves easily with others – their thoughts and interests and background and opinions. People who talk as though what they have to say is interesting simply because they are the ones saying it. No matter how trivial. It’s fascinating because often it becomes true. Because they speak to you as if what they are saying is vital to your knowledge, it actually becomes something you want very much to know. I don’t have this innate sense of authority or self-confidence or trust in other people or whatever it is that requires such freedom with feelings and emotions but I love people who are capable of this.

However, I also really like those people who keep things close to the vest. People that, once they've learned to trust you, surprise you with their thoughts and feelings and obvious vulnerability. They open up and because you know sharing is foreign to them, you feel truly privileged to be on the receiving end. It’s nice to know these people who don’t share much or with many. Their emotions are more precious and you begin to realize that you have become one of these people for them, someone they can be themselves with comfortably and without consequence.

It’s valuable to have these people in our lives but it’s also valuable to try and be one of these people for someone else as well. Even if it’s just one person who knows they can come to you and say anything.

-Age