Obama Did Not Bring About This Change But He May Have Funded It

When I got back from Bulgaria I was prepared for potential readjustment difficulties. We were told they happen fairly often and we'd heard from past volunteers that had experienced trouble returning to a life in America. The reasons for these problems are probably:

• change in culture
• new pace of life
• friends/family don't quite understand the significance of what we've been through
• finding something to do and a place to do it in...on our own

But, I think the biggest one is:

• All of the personal change and growth that was forced upon us by navigating challenging situations and becoming close to a new group of people really quickly
• the more challenges that were undertaken and the more new friends that were embraced, the more these influences changed us
• however, our power over the direction of these changes is questionable and I'm sure it varies from person to person

This rapid growth is hard for others to understand or relate to which means we're left to evaluate it on our own or with other RPCVs. 

How did I change?

Do I like all the changes?

How do they relate to this new life in America?

Can I adjust them and how?

I don't like all the ways I've changed and I feel that some new parts of me aren't working here, in my American life.

I won't go into detail about these changes but I'm hoping to decide if they need to be deleted or just tweaked.

Also, I'm left with another question:

Is there only a certain amount of good that is allowed to take up our selves...our personalities?

Let me elaborate...

  

Let's say Gandhi was capable of 80% goodness. His goodness level could lower, depending on the situation or the point in his life but he is capable of no more than 80%. New, lets say an average person, like me, is allowed only 60% goodness. It could lessen, maybe, depending on the time of the month (that was meant to be a joke) but it cannot exceed 60%.  So, if I gain a new good, it's at the expense of some old good I used to value.

I'm worried this doesn't make sense but it's been running through my brain and if it doesn't get out I may explode.

For instance, in the Peace Corps I gained self-confidence and the ability to be assertive when necessary. But, room had to be made for these things. Other characteristics that maybe aren't too harmonious with a confident, assertive nature get pushed out. Like compassion and kindness or, at least, some degree of my compassion and my kindness towards others has diminished to maintain that 60%.

What if I want those things back in full force? Do I have to give up something else? What? Which characteristics are most valuable to me? To others? More specifically, to those I respect? To those who influence my life professionally? Personally?

Does any of this make sense?

Fitting this new self, which looks and talks and behaves a lot like the old self, into a new life (cuz the old life really is no longer an option for any of us) is, uuuhhhhhhh, a little tricky.

But, we don't always realize it right away.

When we have so many things we wanted, when we are doing the things we hoped to do, when we live in the places we dreamt of living, and with the people we chose to surround us, well...

why aren't we happy?

Now, I've written before about how happiness isn't necessarily what life is all about. That sometimes we're happy and sometimes we aren't.

Happiness is conditional.

We need lows to appreciate the highs. 

Being happy during life's inevitable tragedies doesn't make much sense.

We can't be happy all the time.

Blah Blah Blah.

But, that's kind of the point. When happiness is appropriate, why are we...why am I not happy?

These parts of myself that I've given up or allowed to lessen, are they what's kept me from enjoying these past few months back here?

Or am I just downplaying the effects of stress from moving, being in grad school, and starting a new job?

I have  no conclusion for this post. No explanation for my feelings. These are just the things I've been wondering and feeling and now I've put them out there for my friends and family to read and worry about. Whoops.

Maybe happy was the wrong word. I don't want to freak anyone out or make them think I'm on the precipice of depression or something extreme like that.

I'll change it to satisfied.

I'm not satisfied with myself right now.

Working on it.

-Age