I Feel Like Al Qaida Would Like Me If They Got to Know Me

I believe that Christians make some of the best hypocrites. Believing in one way of life and yet living another. Telling people to do “this” while they do “that”. Encouraging a non-judgmental attitude while judging people that don’t. Christians often give Christianity a bad name (despite the fact that the only name that should matter in terms of Christianity is Jesus) and it’s because we’re not perfect. Yes, I said “we”. I’m a Christian. Surprised? Gosh, I hope not but I wouldn’t be shocked if you were.

The thing is, if Christians were perfect, we wouldn’t need God. It’s our imperfections, our struggles with the world and its temptations that draw us to God. He is full of life and true meaning, His perfection gives us hope despite that lack of ours. He pulls us in because He is “gentle and humble in heart,” something you wouldn’t expect from the God of the Universe, at least I didn’t until I was awed by this verse.

Christians are supposed to love all without prejudice, condition, or judgment yet they are often one of the most judged group of people themselves. Because of the Bible and its Golden Rules, abstinences, grace, humbleness, godliness, holiness, kindness, wisdom, etc. it makes a very difficult model to live up to. And people are watching. Oh, are they watching. Ready to pounce on the Christian that just couldn’t cut it and fell flat on her face. It’s not easy.

I find myself keeping my Christianity, not a secret, but close to it. I’m defensive about it. Because I feel that the second someone knows, I’ll be under scrutiny. And I should not be scrutinized as a representative of Christ. By no means. I’m far too flawed and full of really silly life decisions to represent someone who’s fully capable of representing Himself. However, I wish that wasn’t the case. I wish I could walk proudly in my faith. Talk about it more and not feel that my lack of good choices makes me unqualified to be what I am: A believer in Christ and His message.

I also find myself avoiding certain topics of conversation. Even now, I’m don’t want to bring up the specific types of conversations because there are things about myself I’m not comfortable revealing. Though I should be. It’s too difficult to be a conservative Christian in this modern society. It makes me abnormal, old-fashioned, and strange.

Though, at the same time, I don’t think all my ideas are conservative in nature. I think homosexual marriage should be accepted and allowed without the Christian community condemning it because it’s…what? I don’t know what their issue is. Love is love. And it’s not as though procreation is an issue anymore. Many gay couples adopt children that would have otherwise been without a home. I could go on and on.

Which is another thing: I hesitate to write about the good, Christianity-based decisions I’ve made in life but I can write about my modern, socially-acceptable beliefs without hesitation. That’s not good. I need a self over-haul. I need to figure out exactly what it is I believe and be that person. Despite who likes it and who doesn’t.

I feel like Pam Beasley from The Office when she talks about how she doesn’t like it when people don’t like her, “I don’t even like knowing that Al Qaida doesn’t like me. You know what? I feel like, if they got to know me, they would like me.” I’m the same way! I think Pam and I would be really good friends if she were real.

Sigh. Another tangent. I think I just like to put this stuff out into the world so it’s extended further than my crowded mind. So it’s acknowledged. Plus, you guys are always super sweet whenever I berate myself like this. So maybe I’m just looking for a pat on the back and a “it’s cool, Adrienne, you’ll be fine. Just stop being so whiny and self-reflective.” Thanks, guys. Will do.

-Age