Me vs The Old Man

What I want to say to the old man standing way too close to me in the ticket line at the train station:

"Um, excuse me. You're uncomfortably close."

"You see, I'm American and I've been raised with this concept of 'personal space' and your breath on my neck is violating that."

"Are you trying to put your money through the slot before me? I'm standing right in front of it. Clearly I'm buying a ticket right now, at this moment. Yup, that's exactly what you're doing. Wow."

"You're touching me. You're actually so close to me while we stand in this line that your arm is touching my arm and I could lick your face if I wanted to just by sticking out my tongue. Do you want me to lick you? Is that what all this is about?"

"Hey, I get that you're old and you don't like to wait in line because you want a good seat on the train. I get it. I really do. But. All the politeness and respect I was taught to show the elderly went out the window the second you set your bag on my feet and tried to cut me in line. There. Is. No. Cutting. Didn't you go to kindergarten? Cuz that's where I learned that rule. That's where I learned that that rule is more important than any other rule. Rules like 'don't throw dirt at your friends' and 'glue is not for eating' don't even come close to the 'no cutting' rule so you're currently in violation of everything I know and it's making me want to punch you. Which I'm also pretty sure is a rule: 'no punching'. But I'll do it. In my mind. Repeatedly. Actually, I'm doing it right now. In my mind you're crying and will never cut again."

-Age