Commitment. What a Dirty Word.

I have commitment issues. Not necessarily committing myself to a man, though I don’t really do that, um, ever, but more along the lines of any commitment of any kind at all. I hesitate to sign that form before joining a gym. When asked to do anything that involves the phrase “long term” I always begin my response with, “ummmmm….,” I grimace at the thought of accruing any kind of debt whatsoever as that is a binding commitment to pay a monthly bill. I can’t get out of it, I can’t run away if I don’t feel like paying anymore. Bills, documents, obligatory contracts of any kind give me that icky feeling that usually accompanies finding a big-ass bug in your bed or walking in on someone while they’re going to the bathroom. I. Do. Not. Like. It.

But this fear, this repulsion towards commitment has taken a toll on my life. My hesitancy to take out student loans kept me from having the college experience my socially-awkward 20-year-old self desperately needed. I had at least 3 jobs and little to no social life in college. I should have been sowing my wild oats. I still have my oats, never got to sow ‘em. What am I gonna do with them now, huh? There old and no one likes old oats. No one.

It’s also kept me from signing up for a credit card and buying cool stuff. I’m not saying I want to be one of those people that’s buried in debt and knows deep down in the pit of their stomachs that they will always live paycheck to paycheck, barely making it in this dog-eat-dog world. No. But some debt. I nice computer. A fun vacation. A couple thousand dollars of credit card debt with a reasonable interest rate. Not that big of a deal, right? Wrong. The idea sickens me. I only used my Macy’s card when it meant I got a discount and then would go pay it online before the day was over. The one time I could only afford to pay the minimum balance, well, let’s just say that was a rough month for me.

My trouble with commitment when it comes to men is not only a whole other post but probably a whole other blog. But that blog already exists. A thousand times over. There are bloggers all over the internet documenting their relationship struggles, some much more articulately than others so I won’t burden you here with my reasons for being a love pariah. You’re welcome.

Some of you may be thinking, “Hey, wait a minute, Adrienne, you’ve just joined the Peace Corps and committed two years of your life to living and working in a foreign country. That doesn’t make you seem like much of a commitment-phobe now does it?”

I would say in response, “I don’t like your tone, mister. Not one bit.”

But I would also answer that I don’t consider this a commitment and because my mind does not describe it with that word the whole Peace Corps thing just doesn’t count. I know I can leave whenever I want. I also know I don’t want to leave. There is no awkward break-up potentially looming, no “This is your third notice, if you do not pay by (insert quickly approaching date here) we will send you to collections and your life will be over, you’ll probably go to prison” notice sticking out of the mailbox, and no feelings of failure, that this life turned out to be too much for me, more than I could handle.

I don’t want to feel buried or that life just happened to me and the choices never really felt like my own. But at the same time, I know that in order to really experience life I do have to commit myself to things. I missed out on a wonderful college experience because I was afraid. Of what? Who knows. But I know I missed out and I know it’s because of this inability to say, “OK. Yes. Let’s do it.” So, I plan to work on that while I’m here. Say yes a little more and dive right in. Oh, and I also plan to do it sober which will be something new. Saying yes is always so easy when you’ve had one too many. Totally sober yes-saying, that’s what’s in my future. I pray constantly for God to reveal to me his plan for my life but I think this is it, where I am now, what I’m doing now. When He opens doors it’s up to me to walk through them. That’s the whole “free will” thing He gave us cuz He loves us. It’s kinda nice and kinda terrible all at the same time. I feel a little bad for referencing my tendency towards drunken yes-saying in the same paragraph that I own up to being a God-fearing person but I think my new commitment makes up for it. Nah, probably not but God’s the Father of forgiveness so…lucky me!

Wow. What a tangent that was. I’m absolutely sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’m sure commitment is a problem for just about everyone. Whether they commit too quickly or not at all. That’s why there are so many phrases connected with the word. So while I work on my (insert commonly used commitment phrase here), I’ll keep in mind that I’m not the only one.

Wait, can I commit to this? Ah, crap.

-Age