The Eyes are a Window to the Soul...Or Something Like That

I’m a bit awkward. I’m not talking cute, endearing kinda awkward though I also wouldn’t consider myself one of those weirdoes that doesn’t understand the line where eye-contact becomes full on staring. I don’t just blush with adorable, sweet pink cheeks (more like a tomato-red occasionally bordering on magenta). But I don’t nervously clear my throat in the middle of my words either. I do fumble over words more often than I’d like, sometimes allowing full sentences to just drop off cuz I can’t get the syllables to work for me and I stop caring. Though, at the same time, I’ve never told people I barely know personal or inappropriate information about myself as if I were talking about the weather and then actually wait for a response (yes, I know people like that).

What I’m trying to say, rather inarticulately, is that I’m averagely awkward. I get all blushy at strange moments and sometimes feel this “fight or flight” response. Though, for me, it could just be called “flight.” I don’t actually flee, but I want to. This usually occurs when I feel sort of trapped. Like behind my desk at work. Someone will ask me a personal question or wink at me in that way that only “winkers” can and I get all, I don’t know, uncomfortable. I’m not sure why this happens and I can’t begin to explain it but I’ve pretty much always been that way.



The thing is, the thing I can’t stand is, my physical reaction to my uncomfortableness. What’s the deal with blushing, huh? Why’s the whole world have to know that I feel like the A-cup in a wet t-shirt contest? Or shaky hands? That’s not easy to hide. I mean, at least I don’t have a facial-tic or something terrible like that but the shake from my hands does sometimes travel up to my voice. UGH! I hate all of those things and refuse to embrace them as an unavoidable part of being me.

I don’t often have that wide range of reactions. I mostly get that steady creep of heat that starts at the base of my neck and travels up to the top of my head. The shakiness is often reserved for public speaking and good-looking guys that decide to speak or smile in my general direction. That sucks.

I wouldn’t mind feeling that strange sense of panic if I could just keep it a secret, you know?

It would be nice to know some sort of trick to help in these situations. Some kind of secret phrase or word or action that suddenly makes me feel in control of myself. There has to be something, right?

What if it’s as simple as a smile? That seems possible. When you feel uncomfortable, smile.

It’ll have to be something big though. No closed-mouth, toothless grin but a full-on beam. People love it when you beam at them. A smile that’s not just around the mouth but the whole face. An eye-incorporating smile that seems to send arrows of happiness through the air and straight to the other person’s soul. How could I possibly feel uncomfortable while sending happy love arrows through my eyeballs. That doesn’t sound as pretty in writing as it does in my head.

Happy eyeball arrows to you all, in a non-creepy kinda way.



-Age